Tony Dye

Tony Dye




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LaSD, Chapter 11

Chapter 11. Self-Betrayal


Last chapter ended with … But saying we need to understand how we get in the box before we learn how to get out.

Self-Betrayal. Very easy to miss — this is NOT self-deception!

Page 66 and onto 67

Bud’s story. Crying baby, thought that he should get up so the wife could rest for a change. For the moment, caring about her (forget the kid!) and her needs **. The thought, even the desire, to do the right thing. But then the inaction. Bud calls this betrayal. But it’s not betrayal of Nancy, it’s self-betrayal. That takes a minute to grasp. I fail to do something for another person and I’ve betrayed myself! Self-betrayal is acting contrary to feelings of what I should do for another. (not duty, not job description, feelings!) “one of the most common things in the world.” The feeling that you should do something or help someone, but then not doing it.  Feeling :: Choice :: Honor OR Betray. Betrayal is self-betrayal.

TD> What a switch. It sure seems like I betrayed the other person. But, because I knew what I should have done, I actually betrayed myself. (well, AND the other person!) But wait, there’s more (said with my best Steve Ballmer Carp-o-matic sarcastic voice). Not only to we do the betrayal, but then we start blaming the other person!

>> Whether she actually was asleep is less important right now than whether I was thinking she was asleep. We’re talking now about perception… <<

Within seconds, bud has transitioned from caring for his wife (but not acting on that care) to blame and degradation of her. Lazy worthless woman, lousy mom! Complete vilification, in almost no time at all.

Then we hit our favorite QBQ concept. Poor Bud, he’s a victim. This poor hardworking, important, man, is a victim of this lousy wife of his. Yup. Why do we need the rest of this book, we’ve found the culprit? There was a choice to be a good husband, good father, and to have a great wife and more. But instead, vilification and victim thinking. AND, after betraying myself, I start to see the world in a way that justifies my action (or inaction). Sure, I can always justify what a lousy person that other person is… Uck!

I has met the enemy and he is me! (for those who remember Pogo)

Middle of page 67 and onto page 68

Kate’s story of holding, or not, the elevator door for someone. And other stories of where someone could have helped, thought about helping, but then didn’t.

Bud’s drawing of how self-betrayal works:

Page 69

Everyone piling on with the blame and finger pointing. All good-naturedly.

Lazy. Inconsiderate. Unappreciative. Faking!

Near the bottom of the page

[Bud] “whether she actually was asleep is less important right now than whether I was thinking she was asleep. We’re talking now abut my perception once I betrayed myself.”

Page 70

[Tom] A pretty lousy mom and wife

Lousy. Inconsiderate added to the list.

Near the middle of the page

[Bud] “Having betrayed myself, we can imagine that I might’ve started to see my wife in that moment as lazy, inconsiderate, taking me for granted, insensitive, a faker, a lousy mom, and a lousy wife.”

 [Kate} (sarcastically) “You’ve managed to completely vilify one of the best people I know.”

Lower part of the page

[Bud] “but it’s worse than that … how do you suppose I started to see myself?”

Victim. Hardworking. Important.

Page 71

What about “fair?”


Tom laughing.

Bud going from being sensitive to being a good dad!

“A really good husband.”

Page 72, the expanded diagram

Near the bottom of the page

The switch from wanting to help to know justifying the decision not to.

Page 73

Adding to the description of Self-Betrayal

Self-betrayal leads to justifying thoughts

** I’m going to let you in on a little “men secret.” If you ever share this I will deny the whole thing and claim somebody hacked my account and added this absolutely crazy stuff cause nobody would ever do this! Men actually talk to each other (surprise in itself) about ways to get out of having to get up in the middle of the night with crying babies. Disgusting, I know. I’ve never been part of one of these conversations, of course, but I’ve overheard one or two. One guy’s story, approximately:

You only have to do this once. One time when the kid [sometimes brat] is screaming, get up. Walk into the room, pick up the kid, get him calm. Then pick up a pair of shoes, drop them very noisily on the floor, pinch the kid, then when the kid starts screaming again start saying things like “I’m sorry Tommy, it’ll be alright, it won’t hurt long…” Supposedly this is guaranteed to ensure that the wife will forever more take care of crying babies at night, and actually refuse your help if you offer.

No self-betrayal in that, right? Well, a lot of this conversation never happened! To me or anyone I know. I don’t think I liked this chapter! **

Chapter Summary: Wow, at the start, Bud wanted to be a nice guy and help his wife. By the end, he hadn’t helped and he’d turned her into a terrible person to justify his failing to do the right thing. In failing to do what he thought of doing, he turned himself into a victim (of his own creation)!

Things I want to remember from this chapter:

  • Self-betrayal is about feelings. I generally don’t want to be ruled by my feelings. Here is a good case where acting on the first feeling would be a very good thing
  • It’s all in the choice that follows that first feeling. A need to take the right action. (and quicky)

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