Tony Dye

Tony Dye

MAKING IT EASIER TO DO
THE RIGHT THINGS

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LaSD, Chapter 12

Chapter 12. Characteristics of Self-Betrayal

Last chapter ended with Bud’s story, having betrayed himself, now vilifying his wife to justify his behavior. “For a few minutes I want to examine how my thoughts and feelings do that.”

Page 74

It’s after we betray ourselves (that still feels backward) that we start to see others more negatively. We step into the box, they become worse (in our eyes), we become better, but victims (in our eyes).

Page 75

The faults of the other person are NOT a reason to not help them!

TD> That sounds almost Christian, and we certainly wouldn’t want to mix Christianity into our business reading! Right? That would be like mixing politics and church!

When we betray ourselves, the faults of the other person, real or not, become exaggerated to us. In self-betrayal, we always make other people out to be worse than they are and ourselves to be better than we are.

TD> The ultimate pride/deception mix! Sudden thought: Satan was the ultimate case of self-betrayal!

TD> We shift toward justification of our self-betrayal and our negative thoughts of the other. Being justified is suddenly sounding like a bad thing. Note to self: it can probably be misused, perhaps even easily!

Page 76

Second paragraph

[Tom] “You think that’s the truth, but it’s not.”

TD> Truth can be so elusive sometimes! Self-betrayal distorts reality. It distorts reality in my favor. A new thought to me, if reality gets so distorted, then how can I recognize that I’m in the box, because now I have no reality to compare to?

Tom’s thought: “It seemed strange that feelings could lie…”

TD> Oh my, I think feelings are the biggest liars of all! In recent years, many have let feelings replace truth.

TD> Overstating. (maybe?) EVERYTHING changes when we betray our self!

Two-thirds down the page, end of paragraph

[Tom] He was inflating his own virtue.

TD> Hold that thought! Something we do in arguments and conflicts. “Self-Justification” could almost be used as a definition of a conflict.

Page 77

[Bud] Once I betrayed myself, my view of reality became distorted.

Adding this to the chart:

Mid-page

[Bud] So … where was I after I betrayed myself?

[Tom] Were?

[Bud] My perception became distorted systematically in my favor. When I betrayed myself, I became self-deceived.

[Tom] So when you betrayed yourself, you entered the box. … that’s the answer to were?

TD> Self-betrayal leads to self-deception which is what puts us in the box! Sort of the key line of the book (so far).

Last line of page

[Bud] Self-betrayal is how we enter the box.

Page 78

Adding the new line to the board:

Rest of page 78, onto page 79 and 80

Kate adds to what’s on the board.

  • Inflate the other’s faults
  • Inflate own virtue.
  • It all starts with self-betrayal

Last line of page 80

[Bud] So what caused my irritation and anger at Nancy?

Page 81, the all-together diagram:

[Tom] (answering Bud’s question) “Your self-betrayal”

TD> (rest of the page) Bud’s feelings went from a sense of wanting to help to way beyond not wanting to help: blaming, justifying. It wasn’t what she did but what Bud did.

TD> Forming a hypothesis here: Blame and justifying it implies self-betrayal. Are there exceptions?

Page 82

Tom is confused by all that’s whirling in his brain. He’s thinking of Laura even though he still hasn’t mentioned her to anyone.

Next to last line

“Either this stuff was all wet or I was. I was a mass of confusion.”

TD> I’m with Tom at this point. I’m simultaneously seeing how wrong he is, and identifying with him and how right he must be.

Last line

[Tom] Then I saw a way out.

TD> It feels like Tom is still deep into blame and justification. Can that possibly be legitimate?

TD> A small aside here. I had years in an awkward relationship that accidentally taught me a lot about myself, much of it not good. Sometimes (of course only when she was in the box), she “unfairly” accused me of things. (especially unfair when they have a great resemblance to reality.) I’ve had this minor change in thinking, and this must be a God-thing because I can’t imagine coming up with it myself.  Whenever I want to defend myself (even if just internally to myself), the key is to ask myself “is there something I should be learning here? Is there some amount of truth (1-99%) in what she’s saying? Is there something that needs to change in me, even if she is mostly wrong and just throwing out blame?” I can’t always do that, but it sure is a better day when I can!

Chapter Summary: Self-betrayal leads to self-deception which is what puts us in the box! Then we live in the world of blame and justification. So, even thought the book has “self-deception” in the title, the key is actually self-betrayal! Once we’ve betrayed ourself, things can go downhill quickly!

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