Tony Dye

Tony Dye




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LaSD, Chapter 13

Chapter 13. Life in the Box

Last chapter ended with Tom being all confused. He’d managed to explain how self-betrayal leads to being in the box along with all it’s negative friends: blame, vilification, victimization, and justification. The last line was “Then I saw a way out.” What can that be?

Page 83

Opening paragraphs

[Tom] My case is different.

TD> Tom has NOT betrayed himself because he hasn’t had those desires to serve Laura because of how bad she is. Is that true?

Middle of page

[Tom] As people, we have a sense of what other people might need and how we can help them. Right?

TD> Many times, I’m so clueless about what other’s need. Or … maybe that’s a self-justifying idea in me. Hmmm.

Bottom of the page, continuing to the top of page 84

[Tom] What if I don’t have a feeling that I betray? … What if I don’t have a feeling or sense like the one you had? [just elbow my wife to deal with it.] … that it’s not self-betrayal and that I wouldn’t be in the box, right?

TD> This feels like justifying, which implies already being well into the box. Hmmm again.

[Bud] “That’s an important question, Tom. We need to think about it with some care.” Every time we betray ourselves, we set up self-stories [lies] to self-justify ourselves. Some boxes become characteristic of me.

TD> Ooh, don’t like that statement. Do I have characteristic boxes, which of course, I’m not aware of because I’m self-deceived? Is there maybe a converse situation where we overly-condemn ourselves?

Middle of the page

The idea we not only can get in the box, but we manage to carry boxes with us where we go!

We seek, and continue to seek, justification for our behaviors.

Page 85

[Bud] I don’t think I’ve ever gone a day without betraying myself in some way … perhaps not even an hour.

TD> A lot like sin.

Lower part of page, adding another line to the Self-Betrayal diagram

Bottom of page, and onto page 86

The “I’m a good husband” image. She doesn’t appreciate me.

TD> This can apply in a work environment. Or church. Or anything!

Page 87

Box behaviors: inflating self, vilifying the other person.

Toward the bottom of the page

The confusing of knowing he [Bud] was in the box, but not having a sense of where he had betrayed himself.

Page 88 – 90

Bud didn’t have that feeling of betrayal that put him in the box, because he had already been in the box!

Middle of page 88

[Kate] If people act in ways that challenge the claim made by a self-justifying image, we see them as threats. If they reinforce the claim made by a self-justifying image, we see them as allies. If they fail to mater to a self-justifying image, we see them as unimportant. Whichever way we see them, they’re just objects to us. We’re already in the box. That’s Bud’s point.

Middle of page 89

[Bud] Almost anything van be perverted into a self-justifying image.

TD> [editorializing]. When we have a sense we should do something for someone, and don’t, that’s self-betrayal. But if we don’t have any sense we should do something for someone {assumed: someone we care about or work with}, then it implies we are already in the box toward them!

Top of page 90

[Bud] … it’s good to think of others, but who am I thinking of when I’m thinking of myself as the sort of person who thinks o others?

TD> I live in this world! I care how others view me. Perhaps way too much!

Middle of page 90

[Bud] Let’s say you have a self-justifying image that says you know everything. How do you supposed you’d feel toward someone who suggested something new to you?

TD> Failing to be a truth-seeker will always go badly. Reference Thinking in Bets, How to Have Impossible Conversations, and many others.

Middle of page 91, Tom’s anger as he realizes he’s in the box. Tom was angry at her for being like he was being!

TD> Awareness!

Bottom of page 91

[Tom] For the first time that afternoon, I was fully open to what Bud and Kate were sharing with me — open to the possibility that I had a problem. … I knew I had a problem, and in some ways a big one. Until that moment, I’d felt that giving in to the possibility that I had a problem would mean that I was the loser …

TD> Our competitive nature; there must be winners and losers. Pretty much the opposite of being partners.

Page 92

[Tom] I felt hope. Amazingly, I felt hop in the moment I discovered I had a problem.

TD> In business, we talk often about how the first step to solving a problem is understanding the problem. Maybe the first sub-step to that first step is admitting the possibility *I* might be the problem.

Final paragraph

[Bud] We have one more thing to talk about … and se what all this means for Zagrum.

Chapter Summary: A lot of clarity here, and probably more confusion to go with it. How we get in the box, how we discover we’re already in the box, and only small hints of how to get out of the box. Self-betrayal gets us in. Lack of any sense we should do something for someone says we’re already in. What seems to be the recurring bottom line, There are people, and there are objects. Maybe that’s the key. Until I see people as people, I’ll get in, and stay in, the box. “what can he or she do for me?”

TD> This is stirring up all kinds of stuff. I’m not exactly sure what! I don’t “do” emotions well. I certainly have them, but I don’t understand them, and this is really confusing stuff.

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