Tony Dye

Tony Dye




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LaSD, Chapter 14, Part 1

Chapter 14. Collusion

Last chapter was intense, about getting in the box, and sometimes about discovering already being in the box (and the work to recognize the latter). Bud ended with “We have one more thing to talk about …” and then “see what all this means for Zagrum.”

This is a long and intense chapter. It hits me hard; I recognize a lot of this in my self and in many of my interactions of the past. To allow myself more time to process, and simply to breath, I’m splitting this chapter into two parts.

Part 1

Page 93

Perhaps for the first time, Bud draws a box and a person in it. A bit better than the stick figure I’d been imagining.

Middle of the page, the idea that in the box, we are almost always blaming.

[Bud] Do you suppose other people are generally walking around saying to themselves, ‘Gee, I really feel blameworthy today …’

TD> Almost funny, going through this book, I’m feeling a bit of blameworthiness!

Last paragraph

[Bud] … most of us have self-justifying images we’re carrying around with us, most people are already in a defensive posture, always ready to defend their self-justifying images against attack.

TD> Since self-justifying is our behavior when we’re in the box, does that mean most people, most of the time, are already in the box? That’s a bit discouraging. Yet it makes a lot of sense. The basic pride issue.

Page 94

Bud/Tom exchange. “if I’m in the box, blaming others, my blame invites them to … be in the box”

TD> This makes TOO much sense! What a setup. This explains so much about blame, vilification, justification, etc. We just keep on gong back and forth (or round and round). So we all help each other to step into each person’s own box. Different people, different boxes, but similar actions and feelings.

Bottom of page 94, onto top of page 95

The updated Self-Betrayal Principles

Middle of page 95 and on to page 96 through 98

The awful description of Kate and her son Bryan, the trouble-maker. Oh I hate the clear logic of those paragraphs. “We provoke each other to do more of what we say we don’t like about the other!” Being in the box, we support, even generate, exactly what we don’t want!

TD> I can identify with this far too well in past interactions with my now 36-year-old. Ouch! Not just ineffective, but destructive. (who chose this book?!) When we’re in the box we do [really dumb] things to stay in and reinforce the box, even though we’re busy convincing ourselves we’re doing the opposite.

Near the bottom of page 95

Kate asks if it’s OK to erase the blame diagram.

TD> I still sense a “ding” to Tom’s earlier whiteboard disaster story. But there is no mention, not even any self-thought from Tom.

New drawing at the top of page 96 that is fleshed out on page 97

TD> The things we do cause the exact opposite of what we want!

Bottom of page 97

[Kate] “So around and around we go, …” adding more and more arrows between the boxes.

TD> Expecting that each action & blame is worse than the previous.

Top of page 98,

[Bud] If you were to ask Kate … what she wanted more than anything else … what do you suppose she would tell you?

[Tom] Less trouble

[Bud] Does she invite more of what she wants?

[Tom] No, she invites more of what she doesn’t want!

TD> Hearing this, from a third person perspective, it’s both crazy and obvious.

Bottom of page 98, onto page 99

Criticism, blame, “discipline,” from in the box, we make things worse and worse.

[Bud] From within the box I end up undermining the effectiveness of everything I do. … I end up inviting more of the very thing that I’m complaining about …

Lower part of the page

[Tom] But that’s crazy … Why would we keep such a destructive cycle going?

[Kate] … [because] my box needs for it to continue.

[Kate] Who would ever get themselves into a position where they actively invite others to continue treating them poorly, even miserably? Who would do that?

[Kate] I would … you would … Bud would … and everyone else …

Top of page 100

[Kate] Whenever we are in the box, we have a need that is met by other’s poor behavior. And so our boxes encourage more poor behavior in others, even if that behavior makes our lives more difficult.

TD> That’s a great summary of this chapter so far.

Breaking after the first paragraph on page 100. To be continued in Part 2

Part 1 Summary: In the box, and probably more so if both parties are in the box, we do things to create exactly what we say we don’t want. We blame others, we justify ourselves. And we need that justification! It’s sort of empowering.

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