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Tony Dye

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LaSD, Chapter 14, Part 2

Chapter 14. Collusion

Part 2

In Part 1, we saw how being in the box provokes others to be in the box, and the blame/response cycle goes round and round and we actually end up inviting exactly the behaviors we say we don’t want. When we’re in our boxes, we need to justify our behaviors, so we actually need the other person to do things that are blame-worthy.

Top of Page 100 (repeated from end of Part 1)

[Kate] Whenever we are in the box, we have a need that is met by other’s poor behavior. And so our boxes encourage more poor behavior in others, even if that behavior makes our lives more difficult.

TD> That’s a great summary of this chapter so far.

Middle of page 100 and onto page 101

Kate’s story of her son Bryan, wanting to use the car, and the agreement that he could if he would be home by 10:30. And he was actually home a minute early!

[Kate] “You sure cut it close, didn’t you?”

TD> Oh, I can hear myself saying something like that. I remember some old management class that addressed this. The professor was making the same point. When somebody does something wrong, we slam them for it; then we they do something right, we slam them again for something they did wrong some other time. We totally forget to ever thank the person for doing something right! We are much more prone to see what’s wrong than to acknowledge, and praise, right attitudes. In the box, I need justification.  To be right, we need somebody else to be wrong.

Page 101, about one-third down

[Kate] Even when he was responsible, I couldn’t let him be responsible … I still needed him to be wrong.

Next to last paragraph

[Kate] What I need most when I’m in the box is to feel justified.

TD> To be justified, the other person must we blameworthy.

Page 102

Entire top half of the page is Tom thinking about Todd and similar stories of blame.

Lower half, Kate reiterates that she needed Bryan to be a disappointment so she could justified in accusing him.

[Bud] when I’m in the box, I need people to cause trouble … I actually need problems.

Last paragraph, and continuing on page 103

Bud reminding Tom of having asked about running a business when out of the box; the thought that you would be run over.

One-third down page 103

[Bud] Who needs to be run over …

[Tom] The person in the box.

[Bud] being run over gives justification.

Bottom of the page

Bud clarifies that we don’t like the problems. But we need them

Page 104

Middle, and lower half of the page

[Bud] By the simple fact of being in the box, each helps to create the very problems he or she blames the other for.

[Kate] .. Bryan and I provide each other with such perfect justification, it’s almost as if we colluded to do so. We’ll blame and mistreat each other to justify our mutual blame and mistreatment.

[Kate] When two or more people are in their boxes toward each other, mutually betraying themselves, we often call it ‘collusion.’ … condemning ourselves to ongoing mutual mistreatment.

TD> Looking at this from the outside, it’s clearly crazy. But when “in the middle,” it is so natural to do it.

Bottom of page

[Bud] … the box lives on the justification it gets from our being mistreated.

Page 105

Even though complaining about mistreatment, [Bud] “I also find it strangely delicious. It’s my proof that others are as blameworthy as I’ve claimed them to be — and that I’m as innocent as I claim myself to be.””

TD> Isn’t it funny how we can love what we hate?

Middle of the page, one more addition to the Self-Betrayal list:

Page 106

And then we recruit others to “our side” to further justify and blame.

Near the bottom of the page

[Bud] It provokes what I take as proof that I’m not the one with the problem.

[Bud] So what will I do if anyone tries to correct the problem they see in me?

[Tom] You’ll resist them

Page 107

[Bud] Why should we care about any of this at Zagrum? What does it have to do with work?

TD> As I’m hearing this, I’ more focused on personal, family stuff, than work. But, of course, work is the framework for the book. Mostly. With some nice overflow.

TD> Not quite a summary of this chapter, but closely related. Anytime I have a sense of blame, condemnation, judgment, and maybe a lot of other variations, about somebody else, I need to consider that I might be in the box. What was the self betrayal that led to it? Can I identify it?

What about if I’m simply angry about something, or somebody? Is that the same thing?

Can I extend this to things like politics? I blame the other party for all of our problems. What does that say about me? (or my party or group)

Chapter Summary: In the box, and probably more so if both parties are in the box, we do things to create exactly what we say we don’t want. We blame others, we justify ourselves. And we need that justification! It’s sort of empowering. And when both parties are in the box, the collusion just keeps circling and compounding.

We’re about halfway through the book. Sure hope we have a “cure” coming up soon!

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