Tony Dye

Tony Dye




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LaSD, Chapter 6

Chapter 6. The Deep Choice That Determines Influence

Quick look back at the last line of yesterday’s chapter. (Bud speaking to Tom) “Remember, I have the same problem that you have.”

Page 32, top third

[Bud] … no matter what we’re doing on the outside, people respond primarily to how we’re feeling about them on the inside. And how we’re feeling about them depends on whether we’re in or out of the box concerning them …

TD> How do people know what I’m feeling about them? It doesn’t matter, 99+% of the time they do! I’m guessing this can’t be faked, at least by normal people.

The Dallas to Phoenix airplane seat example.

Page 33, middle

Addressing the behaviors he was exhibiting (selfish). [Bud] … how was I seeing the people who were looking for seats? What were they to me?

[Tom] Threats, nuisances or problems.

TD> Not people

Two-thirds down

[Tom] Your needs counted and everyone else’s were secondary — if that … You were seeing yourself as the kingpin.

TD> Oh my, how many times I’ve watched people heading for “my” spare seat. Judgment calls. Almost a prayer. Please God, somebody nice, somebody attractive, somebody friendly. Not some huge overweight guy who will crush me, or somebody smelly, or obnoxious, or loud. Knowing I had no control or choice, but dreading the potential. It’s all about MY comfort and enjoyment.

Bottom of page and onto page 34

The trip to Florida example. Packed flight, no seats together.

Top of page 34

[lady] Excuse me — if you need two seats together, I believe the seat next to me is vacant. I’d be happy to sit in one of your seats.

[Bud] How would you say that she saw us — did she see s as threats, nuisances, or problems?

TD> How Bud had seen the people on the other flight. You can feel the conflict and contrast.

[Tom] It seems like she just saw you as people in need of seats who would like to sit together.

TD> As people

Bottom third

[Tom] … from her point of view, under the circumstances, your needs and her needs counted about the same.

TD> Thinking of a child as selfish, growing up is caring about others. Seeing people as people. Is that adulthood? Is that taught anywhere? {well, other than this book}

Top of page 35

[Bud comparing the situations] Bud minimized people, the lady didn’t. Bud was anxious, irritated, threatened, and angry; she wasn’t. Bud was judging/blaming everyone, she wasn’t.

TD> Not asked here, who of the two had the better feeling of the interactions, Bud or the lady? I sense she was far happier than Bud.

Three-fourths down

[Bud] I wasn’t really seeing them as people at all. They were more like objects to be in that moment than people.

TD> People vs. objects

Top of page 36

[Bud] My view of the world was a systematically incorrect way of seeing others and myself. I saw others as less than they were — as objects with needs and desires somehow secondary to and less legitimate than mine. I couldn’t see the problem with what I was doing.”

TD> Back to that basic idea of self-deception, we’re not able to see it.

Lower half of the page

Our first diagram, seeing people as people – out of the box, or as objects, in the box. Being a person in the midst of other people, or being the person among a bunch of objects.

TD> I don’t want to think of myself as an ‘in the box’ person. Yet it’s likely my normal way of thinking!

Bottom half of page 37

The whiteboard story, and Tom’s fuming reaction. Bud agreed it was poor judgment

Page 38

Top of the page, what Tom didn’t tell Bud about how he’d scolded her and even refused a handshake.

Middle of the page

[Bud] “Do you know what she wanted to use the room for?”

3/4 down the page

Bud’s alarming question: “do you know her name?”

TD> What an awkward question. I can feel Tom’s discomfort.

Near the top of page 39

[Bud] “Assuming this woman is, in fact, careless, stupid, and presumptuous, do you suppose that she’s as careless, stupid, and presumptuous as you accused her of being when all this happened?”

Tom didn’t have a good response

Toward the bottom of the page, Tom admits he didn’t handle it well.

Next to last paragraph

[Bud] “Do you suppose that your view of this woman at the time made her seem worse than she really was?” Seeing people as people. Too simplistic?!

Page 40, at the top

[Tom] “… that doesn’t change the fact that she did something she shouldn’t have done, does it?”

Next full paragraph

[Bud] What was your view of her? {Person or object}

Near the bottom

[Bud] … the secret of Zagrum’s success, … we’ve developed a culture where people are simply invited to see others as people …”

TD> There’s that word again, ‘invited.’

Top of page 41

It’s still important to hire smart and skilled people. But others do that too and don’t get the same results. Smart and skilled people are smarter and more skilled when seen as people!

Middle of page

[Bud] “… self-deception is a particularly difficult sort of problem.. To the extent that organization are beset by self-deception … they can’t see the problem.”

Bottom of page 

The pregnant pause. “… the woman’s name is Joyce Mulman.”

TD> Whack! Bud must have known all the details of the story before Tom told it!

TD> I see so much of the “network Nazi” in this whole thing. For a lot of years, I was the rules guy. Rules the organization had created and distributed to all, and when somebody violated them, I was one of the first to point it out. What a jerk! But I had the rules to back me up when these less-than-people violated what were now my rules. Suddenly I see myself in the Scribes and Pharisees! Remembering a day when we had a disaster at my old church because somebody did something really dumb, and my awful response. And the amazing thing that happened next. Cheryl (a hero story for another day) who was our department admin came to me a little bit later with a nicely done card and hand-written note for me to sign and give to that worthless nameless person who had done such a dumb thing. And suddenly that worthless nameless person became flesh and blood who knew they had made a mistake and didn’t need to be further beaten up about it. Not a close friend, but somebody who went from nobody, to worthless, to a person, to someone I can think of and smile about and have pleasant memories. Not sure how this fits our book, but I was in the box and Cheryl pulled me out of it! I may have to write a story or two about Cheryl some day. She was (and still is) rather amazing.

That was a nice little stroll back down memory lane…

Things I want to remember from this chapter:

  • Can I identify, in the moment, when I’m seeing someone as an object rather than a person?
  • The whiteboard story. “in the moment” response. Conflict avoidance vs. over-engaging in conflict. Find the middle ground, pause and respond, to the other person

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